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Im not lazy, Im on energy saving mode. | |
I love my job only when Im on vacation..... | |
Life is Short - Chat Fast! | |
If life gives you lemons, just add vodka. | |
How can i miss something i never had? | |
Girls use photoshop to look beautiful.. Boys use photoshop to show their creativity. | |
Fact: Phone on silent mode- 10 Missed call... Turns volume to loud- Nobody calls all day!! | |
Girls, if he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs. send him to KFC. | |
You can never buy Love....But still you have to pay for it .. | |
If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. Ill tell you more. | |
Did anyone else notice the sound if you click the like button on my status? | |
I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me! | |
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you dont need it. | |
My biggest concern in life is actually how my online friends can be informed of my death..!! | |
When Im a Pedestrian I Hate cars.. When Im Driving I Hate Pedestrians... | |
Whoever says "Good Morning" on Mondays deserves to get slapped :) | |
Mosquitos are like family. Annoying but they carry your blood. | |
Who needs television when there is so much drama on Facebook. | |
Everything funnier when your supposed to be quiet.. | |
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes!! | |
Save water drink beer. | |
6 Peg Loading .. :D | |
Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...its called #Monday, please fix it | |
Always wear cute pajamas to bed youll never know who you will meet in your dreams. | |
God is really creative , i mean ..just look at me :P | |
Decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire. | |
When Im on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the... | |
I wake up when I cant hold my pee in any longer. | |
My father always told me, Find a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your life. | |
Life is too short smile while you still have teeth... | |
My study period = 15 minutes. My break time = 3 hours. | |
If College has taught us anything, its texting without looking :) | |
Im Jealous Of My Parents... Ill Never Have A Kid As Cool As Theirs! | |
I Like to study.. Arithmetic - NO ... world history - NO .... chemistry - NO .... GIRLS - YES!!! | |
Friends are forever, until they get in a relationship!! :P | |
People call me mike .. You can call me tonight.. :p | |
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_ | |
Everything is 10x funnier when you are not supposed to laugh. | |
People who exercise live longer, but whats the point when those extra years are spent at gym. | |
Checking your symptoms on Google and accepting that fact that youre going to die. | |
Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk. | |
We are WTF generation .... WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook :D | |
Having a best friend with the same mental disorder is a blessing. LOL | |
Its been 70+ years, Tom. Youre never going to eat Jerry :) | |
I want some one to give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. :) | |
Theres like 7 billion people in this world and no one wants to date me. I hate this world ... huh | |
Dear Lord, all I ask for a chance to prove that winning the lottery wont make a bad person. | |
I dont usually sleep enough, but when I do, its still not enough ;) | |
The only thing I gained so far in THIS YEAR is weight :) | |
The most powerful words other than I LOVE YOU is "Salary is Credited" :) | |
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat. | |
I wonder what happens when doctors wife eats an apple a day. :) | |
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything. | |
I only need 3 things in life: Food, Wifi, Sleep :) | |
TODAY has been cencelled. Go back to BED :) | |
Ive had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. :) | |
Some people should have multiple Facebook accounts to go along with their multiple personalities. | |
At least mosquitos are attracted to me. | |
Laughing at your own texts before you send them because you are so damn funny. | |
I really need 5 hours of Facebook to balance out my 5 minutes of studying. | |
Today morning when I was driving my Ferrari, the alarm woke me up. :D | |
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it. lol | |
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :) | |
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones. | |
I am sure I have a defective iPhone, I keep pressing the home button and Im still at work. | |
My bed is always extra comfortable when I need to get out of it in the morning. | |
I always learn from mistake of others who take my advice :) | |
If time does not wait for you, dont worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life. | |
If school has taught us anything, its texting without looking :) | |
I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them :) | |
All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips. | |
Try to say the letter M without your lips touching. | |
Excuse me .... Plesae empty your pockets .... I think you stole my heart. | |
I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi :) | |
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat :) | |
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :) | |
I look at people sometimes and think ..... Really?? Thats the sperm that won :) | |
How do people write an auto biography? I can barley remember what I had for lunch yesterday :) | |
Nothing is illegal until you get caught :) | |
Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion. | |
Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. :) | |
Girls work on their looks but not their minds bcoz they know boys are stupid, not blind. | |
I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when I am drinking something :) | |
Only fools fall in love and I guess Im one of them :) | |
God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China :) | |
Friday is my second favorite F word. | |
For all the girls that say ..... All guys are the same ...... Who told you to try them ALL. | |
I think I got a fever, a fever of you :) | |
I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday :) | |
Please GOD if you cant make me slim, make my friends fat. | |
Its better to fail than to cheat but its better to cheat than to repeat. | |
Most emotional moment in a boys life, When a girl says, Can you give me your number :D | |
Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you Guys. | |
I dont believe that love comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt. LOLz | |
Dear Food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat :) | |
Its funny how people judge others mistakes while they also do the same thing. | |
The question I have not been able to answer is "What... does a woman want?" | |
Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture. | |
Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, shes not coming back. | |
I speak two languages, Body and English. | |
BRB = I dont want to talk to you. LOL = I have nothing else to say. Cool = I dont care. | |
Id like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste :) | |
Kiss me and you will see how important I am. | |
If you cant find the key to success, pick the lock. | |
Everything I like is either Illegal, Immoral, Fattening, Addictive, Expensive, or Impossible. | |
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. | |
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Dont you think youve had enough!". | |
Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a train, fall in love and never return. | |
My name is I. My problem is love. My solution is you. | |
If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror :D | |
Caution, Blind Man Driving. | |
Milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink? | |
If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers. | |
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. | |
Scratch here ?????????????? to reveal my status! | |
Whatever it is — I didnt do it! | |
Im not short, I am just concentrated awesome! | |
You can stay in my heart without paying single penny. | |
If you dont care stop talking about it. | |
Girl, you better have a license, coz you are driving me crazy! | |
Flip a coin... If head comes, I am yours, if tail comes then you are mine. :) | |
She loves me or not but I love her a lot. :P | |
I took an IQ test and the results were negative. | |
Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot. | |
I can handle pain until it hurts. | |
I used to think I was indecisive, but now Im not too sure. | |
Gravity always gets me down. :) | |
If life doesnt scare the shit out of you, youre doing it wrong. | |
I gotta go to work today because millions of people on welfare depend on me. | |
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always! | |
What do girls want? EVERYTHING!!! | |
Money cant buy LOVE but can buy WOMAN to make LOVE | |
I know the door to your heart belongs to another, but I think I can slip in through the window. | |
Behind every successful man... There is a confused woman. | |
You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. | |
Laziness Is The Mother Of All Bad Habits But Ultimately She Is A Mother And We Should Respect Her. | |
Sorry... Im not Rihanna. I dont love the way you lie. | |
Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones, try a different one each day. | |
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos. :D | |
HEY YOU, yeah Im talking to you, why the hell are you reading my status? | |
You can never really say whats on your mind, when your family is on Facebook. | |
I really want to work so hard. But being lazy is so much fun. | |
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out!!! | |
If Sunny Leone marries Sunny Deol, she will also become Sunny Deol :P :D :P :D | |
Dear LOL and Hamm, Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say. :D | |
Dear Sleep! I Know We Had Problems When I Was Younger! But NOW I Lubbb you :-D | |
Our generation doesnt ring the doorbell...we text or call to say were outside... | |
We live in WTF generation - Wikipedia, twitter, facebook | |
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. :p | |
When people dont laugh at my jokes I just assume that theyre not up to my level of comedy. | |
I follow the quote, "Always be true to yourself" because I only lie to others... :P :D | |
If "Da Vinci Code" has been written by Punjabi author then its name would be "Vinci Da Code"! | |
Dear mom and dad, when I lie to you, its for your own good. :P | |
Excuse me! Ye lijiye aapki soch. Mujhe giri hui mili thi. :P | |
Every time I drink I get awesome :-) | |
After getting drunk, Bachelor of Technology turns into Master of Philosophy. | |
Bitch is just a term used for girl who refuses dogs proposal. :P | |
What i if told you...you the read first line wrong... same with the second... :p | |
I am so cool, my selfie is called a kulfi! | |
Some people have relationships and some people have patiyala. | |
Be careful of following the masses - remove the "m" and who exactly are you following? | |
I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves. | |
Onions make me sad. A lot of people dont realize that. | |
Its not that Im afraid to die, I just dont want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen | |
Im on a whiskey diet.. Ive lost three days already. | |
I dont worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. | |